This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
