She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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