guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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