I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
