anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
