We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
did you just send me my own nude
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
