Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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