Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
