I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
