I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize