so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
