he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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