I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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