my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
