I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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