Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize