So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
