I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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