After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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