are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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