We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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