i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
