I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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