...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
