Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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