Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
