sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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