I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
