My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
