What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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