You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
