I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
