we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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