Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
