I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
