Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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