Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
