my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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