hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
