Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
