You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
