I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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