Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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