I can text with my tongue
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
