i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize