i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
