I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
