Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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