Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
