and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
