I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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