Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize