i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
