The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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