Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
