Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
