fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I touched a dick in church today
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize