I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
