A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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