I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
nutella sex= disaster
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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